Fat Girl + Travel
COVID really fucked up everyones social life. I myself, an introvert, INFJ, was thriving in the beginning because I didn’t have to hang out with people. I had started my spiritual journey in October of 2019 and progressed rather quickly. I began to realize that I had been quiet to fit into society and quiet because I am fat. But after finally starting to listen to my higher self, I began to realize that all those thoughts of feeling bad about the space that I took up were nothing but societal ideals latched onto my most sensitive parts in my brain.
I started to realize how much I had been limiting myself because I thought that fat people weren’t allowed to do the fun stuff and travel and be worldly. Then the summer of 2020 came and my whole attitude was so different. I was finally wearing shorts and not giving a f***. I was even told by a sttranger that they loved my aesthetic! I was supposed to travel to Europe during the summer of 2020, but that obviously didn’t happen. This was a big loss for me as I have been able to travel some place every year. Now don’t think I am some spoiled brat, I worked a job where I only made about $32,000. So there was saving involved and credit cards.
Anyways, let’s get to the point that I wanted to get to. I have been thinking about going somewhere for spring break. I am definitely torn on where to go but also if I should go. Partly due to the fact that we are still in a pandemic but also because my body image has been on the fritz. Now I have a justification and again maybe it’s not enough. I just want to rent a place where I can cook for myself and walk to the beach and sit by the ocean all day. I don’t want to go out or talk to people, even though I do love meeting people especially when I am someplace new.
I need to be in a place that isn’t familiar. Get out of that daily routine. Being someone who was already depressed and anxiety riddled before the pandemic, I feel that I need to go somewhere to rewire myself. A lot of you will disagree with me and call me selfish and that is okay. I’m already having that mental battle with myself.
As I was looking at a few locations yesterday, I noticed these feelings slowly rising within me. Thoughts of ‘people will judge me for my size’ and ‘I’m not skinny enough to travel,’ ‘my hips won’t fit in the airplane seat,’ and so many others similar to this crossed my thought panel. I sat there trying to hit each one like a ninja, chopping them out of mind. My weight has been a constant factor in my young adult life, I started fixating on it in 6th grade. But that is not my fault. Society told me that I needed to look a certain way and to diet to achieve those goals.
I have learned so much about how dieting actually ruined my chances at having an average body. I would starve myself and if you don’t know what that does to a body, look it up. It actually has the opposite affect of losing weight in the long run. Am I sad that I dieted, yes, am I sad where I am now, maybe a little. But I also find it’s my responsibility to advocate for myself and others. I am a teacher and I have seen so many young girls starting to talk about their underdeveloped bodies as being fat or gross. Goodness, it makes my heart sad because they are no where near that. But what is so infuriating is that society tells them they are not good enough.
I do my best to help them understand that they have to eat because their body is working hard to grow and be strong. I hope some of them listen. I wish I had someone like me when I was their age educating me on how the body works, on what diets actually do to it, and how food is not the enemy. I still wish I had that now as an adult. I stopped dieting a year ago and it has been freeing but I am still working through thoughts of what is ‘good’ and ‘bad’ for me. I put those into quotations because there is no such thing a good and bad food. Food is food, yes some of it doesn’t give you all the nutrients you need but it still serves a purpose.
So not only do I have to pick a place that I want to go visit (Hawaii, Clearwater, FL, or Mt. Shasta) I also have to work through my fears of being judged for being a bigger woman. Obviously, I know that no one will think an ounce about me because they are thinking about their own insecurities, but I felt the need to share these thoughts in hopes that I could find others like myself. I feel that I do need to travel now in order to prove to myself that my weight is not something that should be stopping me from seeing the world. We are all a little fluffier and rounder because of the pandemic and that is okay. I am still a very healthy individual just with a little extra fat protecting my innards.
