Hey teacher, are you living the American dream?
In December I quit my job. This was probably the hardest thing for me to do. I had wanted to find a new job for about a year at that point and just hadn’t had the courage to do it. I didn’t feel like I would be good enough anywhere else and we were in a pandemic and starting over just felt overwhelming. I am a teacher. But I don’t think that I am a teacher in the traditional sense anymore. At the beginning of the pandemic teachers were praised for being able to change their whole curriculum for e-learning and by the time the fall of 2020 came around, we were heartless and selfish.
Teachers pour their heart and soul into everything that they do. They forget to take care of themselves because they are so busy taking care of everyone else. But asking for basic health courtesies was outlandish to the public. This is not why I am writing this though, anyone with a pair of eyes or ears or whatever mode of communication is your preference, can understand that being a teacher in this country is not and maybe never was an honorable career. Our pay is low, we are overworked and expected to jump through fire hoops, ignoring our needs.
Playing school with my stuffed animals was one of the first signs that I wanted to be an educator. Then babysitting gigs and camp counselor positions really helped me become attuned to young people. I had dreamt of being a teacher for so long that when I became one it was surreal. It was a dream. I had my own classroom, my own students, and my own world to create. At first it was intimidating and there were a lot of mistakes made, but I had found my voice after my first year. I had established a rapport and created strong connections with my students.
I was lucky to work at my school. My principal was always listening to my crazy ideas and allowing me to try them out. However, something wasn’t right. I felt off. In October of 2019, I started reiki. This opened my eyes to the fact that I was unhappy and in constant fear of failure. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who I was.
Getting through those e-learning months wasn’t too bad for me as I am a middle school teacher and the students had access to their school issued Chrome-books. My transition was fairly simple but I was also pretty good with technology. This was my time to shine and find new ways of making e-learning valuable. I learned a lot but I was also sad that I couldn’t be with my students. So many things weren’t the same for people. So many missed opportunities. But we transitioned to this new way of life without really acknowledging what this would all mean months later.
For myself, this meant extreme loneliness and the fear of the unknown. When I found out that we would be in person come August, so much fear and anxiety arose. It was so stressful. On top of that, we had a new principal we had to get to know, with the fear that she would change everything. I honestly didn’t know if I could take anymore change. Our classrooms didn’t feel warm or inviting. The distance between the desks, necessary, but so rigid. At this point, I was already extremely unhappy and feared for my health that I didn’t want to be teaching. Of course I made the best of it but it lead to my quitting a place that I called home for almost seven years.
There were many factors that brought me to the moment of looking for new jobs and new opportunities. The new principal was one of them. When we had our first Covid case, the whole school was notified but no specific teacher recieved correspondence. The whole school was freaking out because they feared it was in their classroom. The parent of the student had the decency to call and let the teacher know, that teacher was me by the way, that the student had tested positive. I was extremely grateful to them.
However, this event triggered my anger. I wrote a strongly worded email to the principal asking why I had not been notified as the student was in my classroom and she told me that I wasn’t in direct contact. Uhm, I was in that room the majority of the day, near said child, how was I not in direct contact? This situation really pissed the staff off. I mean who wouldn’t be mad that this was a blatant cover up. The principal after that had it out for me. She struck a nerve anytime she was near. I tried my darnedest not to let it affect me but it was all too much and being a teacher just wasn’t worth it anymore. I had reached my breaking point.
Depression and anxiety settled in. The principal cornered me about three times in four months because I was challenging her on various things, particularly her lack of communication and her constant need to control every situation when there were other things to worry about. Months after I quit, I still hear rumblings of things that have been done that have cerated unnecessary stress for my previous co-workers. On top of the fact that we are in the middle of a pandemic and in a career that is so disrespected, but to be disrespected by the person who is supposed to lead you is extremely unnerving and deflating.
What I really want to get in to is the fact that I quit my job only to teach at another school and still feel the same way. Over the last couple of years I have noticed just how corrupt the system really is. Being a teacher is no longer a sought after career, there is a teacher shortage in most states. You might be wondering why. Well like I said before, the profession is not respected but the other reason is that we are being pressured into producing test scores, being asked to jump through extreme hoops in making sure that all students are on track without any real support from administration. I get it, they have their own pressures but the problem is the people in office who are making all of these rules.
At my new school, I have slowly seen my creativity being taken out of my teaching, mostly by me. I have been asked to teach in a way that I do not believe is the most effective way. However, I don’t have it in me to fight or try to make a change. I am tired and overwhelmed. I didn’t become a teacher only to focus on scores and testing, I became a teacher to teach and to nurture and create wonder for my students, to help them develop into good, kind and loving people. But there doesn’t seem to be any time for that anymore and if there is a system in place, it feels extremely militant. Educators are stuck in these roles that don’t make sense to them. I can honestly say that as of right now I hate being a teacher. I try not to use the word hate because it is very powerful, but in this case it is true.
I would quit but there are certain things I need to dig myself out of first before I can do that. I have to be an adult. Some might say, well if you are so unhappy then quit, and I hear you and I did that, thinking that going to another school would help, I was naive to think that because it didn’t. This career has sucked the life right out of me but I don’t know what to do. I have other dreams that I want to pursue and I plan to take serious actions towards those dreams but right now I cannot afford to quit, no matter how unhappy I am. I have been hearing a phrase a lot lately, that ‘we live to work, not work to live.’ I find that to be very true here in America, but I guess maybe that is the American Dream everyone is talking about.
The American Dream to me is so sad and meaningless. There is no room for doing the things that truly bring you joy. You get stuck in societal norms and doing the right thing that you lose sight of your dreams and who you are. That is the dream. Becoming an American robot. Teaching was my dream, I fell under a spell, however that spell has broken and I see how corrupt the education system is and I don’t want to be part of it anymore. I know that I am a good teacher and I know there are so many other good teachers who are or already have left the profession because of these exact issues. Our dreams have been lies all created by a system that doesn’t even serve students or educators, in only serves itself. When will change come?
Schools are being forced by this system to test as usual when they know very well that students are having a hard time learning. There is an obvious reason, but we have to continue on in the American Dream and ignore the fact that thousands of people have died because of Covid and that the world is living through a pandemic. That is being ignored in schools, the show must go on. There is no talk about what kind of trauma this is creating for the students. There is no talk of helping them process their emotions or space for them to ask questions. I have tried to provide that space for my students, but after almost a year and a half of e-learning, they are done and you know what? I am right there with them. School is not meant to be online. Students should be socializing.
The pandemic has taken so many things away but it has opened the eyes of many to the most severe of problems this country faces daily. I can’t even get into the young people who are constantly being killed because that would make this a much longer read. What schools and administrators and those who run the system should be doing is listening to the teachers and to the students. Giving them room to do the job they are meant to. Give them space to nurture the students and hold space for them. We need to stop ignoring the fact that we are leaving students behind in a system where test scores are the only thing that are deemed valuable. Doesn’t that seem wrong to you?
Teachers, we need to start making changes. We need to start fighting for our students but more importantly, for our profession. There is a reason we wanted to become educators, find your reason and live it. I will continue to teach, but only for one more year in the traditional sense, then I am out. I need to fall in love with being an educator again and working in the school system of America just isn’t going to make that happen.
Teachers, what are your thoughts? Your experiences? How can we change this system? How can we find our way back to making education more than just test scores?
